Here are the top five things to do with the rare chestnut tree:
5. Chop it down and make rare, chestnut spanking paddles.
4. Carve it into a cheezy Indian totem pole.
3. Hang a liberal from its branches. (I'm only kidding...)
2. Leave it standing so we can film Treehuggers Gone Wild.
1. Chop it down and make toilet paper for the people of India. It's about time they stopped using the left hand.