a. People who drive in the left lane. The Shaved Apes, at least the ones in the United States, are too stupid to drive in the right-hand lanes, and use the left for passing. Idiots. They just can't grasp the concept. It's not taught to them as children, nor in driver's ed. And what's far, far more sinister -- they can't spot a fucking pattern as allegedly intelligent adults! Look around you, people! The left lane is for overtaking. What is your FUCKING PROBLEM?!
b. People who drive under the speed limit. And for the dozens of people I catch every single day driving under the limit in the left lane (in light traffic) -- wise up. Do you know that your existence is an aggravation to higher life forms?
c. People who drive Buicks. These are older folks. I really don't like making fun of them, seeing as I'm going to be a member of this exclusive club one day. Oh but how they piss me off behind the wheel. I have never seen a Buick that wasn't driving at 60% of the posted limited. What...the...fuck...is...wrong...with...these...people? I would love (the joyful, drooling variety) to have a huge, metal bumper on my car to shove these pieces of dung out of the way.
Oldies, if you can't see well enough to drive, get the FUCK OFF THE ROAD. You are a selfish pile of stool to place your ambulatory need above basic safety. How important is your hair appointment? Your grandkids can't drive to your house? There are grocery delivery services. There are taxifuckingcabs. And how many cases of "unintended acceleration" do you think society will accept before Buicks are banned?
3. People who clip coupons. WTF? In the time it takes to clip a coupon for a thimble-sized container of nutsack-flavored ice cream, you could have done something else, like make more money on your fucking job so you don't have to sit down like a 90-year-old bag, cutting coupons.
4. People who are too cheap to run the AC in their car. If you have an air conditioner, and only a dickwad doesn't, FUCKING USE IT. Somebody actually told me they don't like air conditioning in the car. What, they like sweating? Fuck off.
5. Optical drives. For the love of God, man, when I'm moving through my file structure, opening this, closing that, browsing around, the last thing I want is a long goddamned pause while a piece-of-shit optical drive has to spin to life. People hailed CDs because they were so much better than 1.44 floppies, yet CDs were garbage the moment they came out. DVDs are still being hailed as the greatest thing since masturbation, even though they are complete garbage. I hate optical drives because they're inferior to many other storage technologies.
6. Dogs. I grew up with dogs and love them to death. Dogs are basically wonderful creatures, but I'm tired of people saying they're better than cats. Different, yes; better, not necessarily. I'm one of those people who can't bring himself to pick up another creature's feces in my GODDAMN HAND. I know that dog owners have cute little plastic bags specially designed for picking up juicy, smelly logs that have just been oooomphed out of their dog's anus, but you CAN STILL FEEL IT. Dog owners must secretly enjoy this ritual.
The day my cat lets out a nauseating, house-sized crap (like a dog), and I have to pick it up off the sidewalk, he'll be brought directly to the pound. Fortunately, cats are genetically predisposed to take care of their own poop. Thank fucking god. And they're quiet.
7. People who know nothing and seem proud of it. Nearly 100% of people I've met in my four decades has been fairly good at one or two things, namely their profession, and clueless about everything else. I mean, how the goddamned hell can a person be content to own a car, drive it every day -- fuck, completely rely on the damned machine -- and not have any desire to find out what happens when the accelerator is depressed?
When I meet somebody who owns a car and doesn't know the basic workings of the damned thing, I consider them a dumbass. Don't expect a return phone call from Don Long.
Are you one of those? You get behind the wheel every single day and yet never once had an inkling to open the hood and find out what that metal stuff was really doing under there? If so, you are a dumbass.
8. Fat people who don't try to hide the fact that their gluttony has given them diabetes. For the love of god, you unwashed pigs, check your glucose levels in private. When you break out your nifty, high-tech meter, you announce that you are are a swine and have no self control. Stay away from the rest of us.
9. Any animal or insect (okay, anything non-human) that stings, bites, or pokes. Roses, bees, snakes, sharkes, and the like should be made extinct. Trust me, the so-called natural order can survive it. I can honestly say that I've Raided every wasp and bee hive I've ever found and I feel warm and fuzzy about it. These things must die.
10. People who blame natural disasters on politicians and policies. The Asian tsunami of 2004 is a classic example. Muslim websites and some quasi-legitimate news agencies tried to say France had tested a nuclear device. The test caused the earthquake that caused the tsunami.
German newspapers blamed President Bush for Hurricane Katrina (global warming). What a bunch of numbnuts. Without doing any exhaustive research, I'd venture a wild-ass guess that category five hurricanes were around before the industrial revolution.
11. Minivans with small white stickers in the back window representing members of the driver's family. This idiotic California phenomenon is wholly hispanic, and includes "Ma Familia," followed by little white stick figures, one for each brat. Only an acerebral lemming would be proud of shitting out a large brood of children who will bond them in perpetual poverty. What's worse is that the "Ma Familia" minivans usually travel 10mph below the posted limit in the fast lane.
12. Slim cell phones. Who gives a holy, shit-eating damn? "My phone is slimmer than yours!" I want to throttle these idiots. What is better about a 5mm thick phone, versus, say, a 10mm thick phone? Does it fit in the anus better? Get lost, dipshits.
13. People who ride buses. In the not so distant past I was without wheels of my own, and so was forced to demean myself by riding public transit. I spent nine months with the Great Unwashed bus riders, and it was awful.
What is it about poor people that they don't wash? I've seen poor tenement buildings on TV, and they all have indoor plumbing, and presumably showers and such. And soap is still cheap in America. SO WHY DO THEY SMELL LIKE CORE ASSHOLE?! And why don't they know that farting in public is not socially acceptable?
One morning I was sitting by the window, reading the paper, with my duffle bag on the aisle seat. One of the Unwashed got on the bus while I was lost in my reading, and sat directly on my duffle. Who sits on somebody else's bag? What if I had been carrying around broken glass that day, or a bunch of knives?
The experience changed me. To this day I fart in elevators because everyone should suffer the way I did. Call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
14. Websites that block my view. A lot of websites automatically reload or use cutesy pop-up boxes to offer a preview content behind a link. Stop! Who wants to be rudely interrupted while reading? Sites with these annoying features can GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.
15. Muted trumpets. This may be the worst sound I have ever heard. It's more like a sheep getting its balls stomped than a musical instrument (I may be onto something; the stomping would give a nice bass beat to accompany the bleating). Every time I hear a muted trumped, I have a strong urge to strangle the player.
16. Movie critics and the self-serving promos. I read movie reviews in an attempt to find out what a film is about, and it's unfortunate that I have to claw through the weirdest form of writing to get that information. Critics' descriptions of movies are ridiculous. Nobody else writes such rubbish. And I really can't go to IMDB, because the plot synopses are usually written by The Great Unwashed (I cannt Stand gettinge my info from morans and the clinikly retarded.)
Here are a few examples I have seen. There are many others -- open any newspaper or visit any news / entertainment site.
smartly funny -- This one is the all-time worst. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is "smartly funny." Not on this planet. It is painfully clear that the writer thinks HE'S smartly funny, and surely it must show in the writing? Wrong, asshole.
non-stop thrill ride of the summer -- Not even roller coasters are described with this level of ... glee? Absurdity? Stupidity? You tell me what it is. I don't think of movies this way. Who the fuck does? And who would even want to see a movie like that? It would be like claiming a movie is "one continuous explosion after another". Yiippeee!
self-aware nostalgia -- I only recently discovered this one. A movie was described as possessing "self-aware nostalgia". What does this mean? It means the writer sat down with a bottle of scotch, two mescaline tabs, and started to type. And when his editor got the copy, he was too stupid or too afraid to tell the writer to fuck off.
This could be the mechanized rigor mortis of the chick flick genre, with Daphne long retired from sex to spend quality time with her dog (you wonder if Woody Allen will look and think: I've been replaced).
Are these movie critics frustrated that they can't land jobs in Hollywood, as a friend of mine once suggested? Are they hoping some honcho will see their little review and think, "Hey, this guy is good. Let's hire him."? The reality is that when people read the reviews, for me anyway, the thought is, "What a dumbass. Leave the creative writing to the experts." There is no bigger idiot in the world than a movie critic.
17. DVDs because they redefine garbage, at least compared to a competing technology that has been around for many years -- MPEG and variations. Let me see if understand this nation correctly -- it's considered good to walk to the mailbox and see if a metal disc has been properly sent, via snail mail, from some warehouse in St. Louis? This should all be MPEGs or other computer files, not some slow, cumbersome metal-and-plastic disc, bulging with prehistoric DRM, that gets mailed. We are way beyond idiocy like that, and have been for many years.
Now that there's a Format War the situation is even more idiotic. I've got a Blue Ray swingin' between my legs.
18. People who don't "believe" in the separation of church and state. Most Republicans fall into this camp, if one can believe Fox News hosts. The very same people who ridicule Muslims for advocating Sharia ridicule people who want religion and government segregated in the USA. That's idiocy in its purest form.
19. Cable TV and similar TV systems, like satellite. While I enjoy my cable programs, the way they are packaged and sold is ridiculous. I have 400 channels, and only watch 30. Why am I paying for home shopping networks and WGN? We should have the choice of paying for any grouping of 30 or so channels. I'd pay proportionately more for this kind of service. I am seriously considering ditching cable and sticking to the internet, novels, and masturbation to pass the time.
20. Ceiling fans. I have three of them, in a relatively small apartment, and none have ever been switched on. The last thing I want is to have my eyes dried out with a blast of air forcing its way down onto me from the ceiling. What sort of turd thought of this? We live in an era of digitally controlled furnaces and central air conditioning, so why mess around with press-board fan blades rotating above us? I can't remember the last time I wanted to watch TV in a fucking wind tunnel.
21. PG-13 movies because they appeal to nobody. Never mind that these are usually the highest grossing films, which would seem to indicate a large appeal. A PG-13 film is just like cafeteria food. When you want or need food, a school or hospital cafeteria will certainly get the job done, but what a bland experience. The big-budget, explosion laden PG-13 film is the most obvious evidence of Hollywood's whorish nature. Intelligent or funny films don't need explosions and two-dimensional, stock characters. Nor does every story need a love story. Drop it, Hollywood. I'm getting very tired of dealing with pimps at $9.50 for two hours of bad dialogue and storylines that only appeal to teenagers.
22. Women who wear noisy shoes. Every time I'm sipping espresso at a sidewalk cafe and hear a cumbersome cloppity-clop noise, I look around to see which idiot is leading a cow down the street. Usually it turns out to be a "fashionable" young woman with wood soled shoes. WTF? Who wakes up in the morning and thinks, "I'd like to make as much noise as possible while walking today."?
When I'm on a date with a woman wearing horse shoes, which is what I think of them, I am tempted to ask the waiter to get her an oat bag. And skip the wine -- just place a bowl of water on the ground.
I usually only have one date with a woman who wears horse shoes. A nice set of cans might persuade me to go out one more time.
23. Women who wear too much perfume, and Bath & Bodyworks. First off, wearing lots of perfume was high fashion in the roaring 20s (that's 1920s), and the practice has not been revived. I'm thoroughly nauseated by the huge amounts of perfume some women, usually middle-aged or fossilized, bucket onto themselves before going out. What is the matter with these people? Nobody is going to say, "Golly gee, ma'am, you smell nice today," because they're too busy coughing and trying to get away.
Ever been stuck in an elevator with one of these? I have to suppress the urge to urinate on these women in an attempt to wash off that stench.
Bath & Bodyworks -- I only enter one if a woman really wants me to go. And I can't breathe. No exaggeration; I cannot take a full breath. I can't believe these places are still in business. These rancid stores should have SCUBA gear available at the entrances for men to put on before going in.
One more thing -- anybody who buys "aroma therapy" candles is a friggin' dumbass. Think about it. Aroma therapy. You gotta have diminished brain capacity to go for something like that. Potpourri can fuck off, too.
24. Yoga and pilates and anyone who wastes time with them. If you want to get in shape and stay that way, work out. Crunch weights. Put time into genuine fitness and stop fucking around with this fad crap. People who gravitate to these idiotic "workout" fads are the same types of people who used to buy those contraptions to hang upside down from, or bought those little tiny trampolines and never used them. Smarten up, imbeciles. You have to work hard to stay fit.
25. People who order Chai Latte Mocha Soy Swill In A Cup. The only clever thing a movie critic has ever written was to call a specialty coffee drink from Starbucks a "five adjective cup of coffee." (See No. 16.) Drink coffee and shut up. If you want a chocolate malt, order a fucking chocolate malt and then get out of the way so we men can get a nice, steaming cup of black coffee.
26. Massage therapists. I love massages as much as the next guy, especially happy endings, but c'mon, a "massage therapist"? That's a real stretch. These people can't bring themselves to tell people at cocktail parties that they give back rubs for a living? Well, can't really blame them. It would be like somebody who makes ceramic pots telling people he's a fine artist.
Do these massage therapists not know that every time they tell people what they do for a living, the listener is biting back the urge to grunt and roll their eyes??! If you've picked a sissy profession you have an obligation to man-up (or woman-up) and admit it. I've just decided that the next time I meet somebody who tells me they're a massage therapist, I'm going to respond, "Oh, you give back rubs. How nice for you. College was too tough?"
27. DUI / DWI checkpoints. This is a clear violation of the 4th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. And remember, I'm a practical libertarian, not a freakish, anarchistic libertarian like 75% of them are. Read the Amendment if you don't believe me:
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
The last time I was stopped at a DUI checkpoint I said: "You know this is a violation of my 4th Amendment right, right?" You know what they said: "Yeah, we've heard that before."
28. Newspapers. Publishers need to realize that the era of the newspaper is coming to a close. It had a good run. We'll throw a party to see them off. I read news on the internet, like all intelligent people who have office jobs and/or can pay $32/mo for an internet connection at home. On the rare occasion I pick up a physical newspaper, I'm enormously frustrated for how bad they are compared to the web version. For instance (and I realize I'm preaching to the saved), I've already read today's news today. Why, precisely, do I want yesterday morning's news late tonight? I don't like getting my fingertips dirty, either.
But here's my biggest complaint with newspapers: when I see something about which I want more information, I can't just open another browser instance and search out that information. Anything worthwhile in a newspaper makes me think, and that thinking doesn't stop at the end of the column.
Maybe we should keep newspapers. They're useful for training puppies to shit outside.
29. Other WiFi users at the coffee shop. A few owners of coffee shops are smart enough to block torrent and other downloading schemes, but most are too dumb. Hell, they went through a lot of effort to start an unprofitable business, didn't they, so why should I be surprised they don't know how to manage internet service?
Countless times I'm trying to do legitimate things on the web, such as banking, writing, blogging, etc. You know, low-bandwidth stuff that's at least a tiny bit important. While doing these things, the connection slows to a fucking crawl. I start watching the other laptop users, trying to figure which MOTHERFUCKING INCONSIDERATE DICK-IN-MOUTH FUCKBREATH is hogging the entire goddamned bandwidth. Eventually one stupid little bastard -- nearly always male, with a Che Guevara t-shirt -- will get up and leave, and the whole connection speeds up dramatically.
I'm going to check the California State Codes to see if it's legal to strangle, shoot, and crap on dickheads like this.
If somebody wants to download movies and music, that's fine, but get your own, private internet service to do it.
30. Bicyclers. All bicycling should be restricted to specially-made bicycle-only pathways, away from roads designed for cars. It's bad enough that drivers have to worry constantly that some nutcase in spandex shorts will cause himself to be run over, but I can't believe the arrogant sense of entitlement bicyclers have. Where does this come from? They can screw themselves, and then get the fuck off my highway.
I used to reserve this anger for the really uppity bike-Nazis. You know, the really serious ones that wear all the specialized sissy-gear and ride $5000 road bikes and purposefully ride in the middle of the lane just to piss off drivers. But just the other day a friend of mine, who feels the same way about bicyclers, mentioned that even the casual riders who don't think they own the friggin' world should get lost. And he's right. All bicyclers can summarily fuck off.
Recently our society has been treated to "Day Without An Immigrant" and "Day Without A Gay"; how about "100 Years Without Arrogant Motherfucking Bicyclers"?
31. Twitter. I think cutsey is the best word to describe this dumb phenomenon, and all things cutsey can fuck off. Why, you ask? I just went to twitter.com and searched for "eating a sandwich".
Getting me hair done while eating a sandwich
I'm up and eating a bacon sandwich
Eating a turkey sandwich lol
im at home. eating a sandwich and watching martha stewart
I'm here eating a peanut butter sandwich
im making myself a turkey sandwich
What's great about twitter-bashing is that both sides of the equation are fair game. "Tweeters" and their followers are equally acerebral. We need a state to volunteer to take all of our idiots, especially the twitter crowd. Oh, wait, we already have one -- Mississippi.
32. YouTube. I do like YouTube; I spend a fair amount of time searching out videos, I admit. Thing is, we need two YouTubes. There needs to be one for STUPID FUCKING TEENAGE GARBAGE and one for the good videos. No matter what I search for, the first two pages of returns are teen girls talking about flirting with boys or Justin PLEASE-CROAK-SOON Bieber. When I want to see a video about the latest features in PhotoShop, I don't appreciate the under-21 crowd fucking things up. We need YouTube and StupidWorthlessChildrenTube.
And, if I ever become CEO of Google, I will ban cat videos unless they show a cat attacking somebody who likes cat videos. The car crashes can stay.
33. Electric Cars, and especially their owners. Let's see if I'm clever enough to understand the thinking here. Let's spend $30,000 on a tiny, uncomfortable car that's powered by coal instead of spending $11,000 on a 40-mpg car, of similar size and quality, that runs on gasoline. Is that about right? Do I need to say anything else?
34. People who drive Nissan Altimas. It used to be that young white men who drive pickups were the least skilled, most aggressive drivers on the road (funny how those two things are found together so often). This is no longer true, thanks to the Altima.
The pickup drivers are amusing, too. Countless times I've been beside a pickup at a red light, and when the light turns green I purposefully accelerate slightly faster than them just to watch them stop at nothing to get the nose of their vehicle in front of mine. They won't stop until I let off the gas. It's amazing how fast they're willing to go just to be out front. It's not a race, mind you, they just have to be first, or, presumably, they won't feel good about themselves. I really don't know the psychology there, but it's amusing as hell.
As of five years ago, the idiot young men in pickups have been knocked off their Perch of Idiocy by punks who drive Altimas. Unlike the young white men in the trucks, the Altima morons are both genders, and a variety of races.
Every time I see the following behavior, it's from an Altima driver: exiting the freeway from the fast lane, cutting in front of three lanes of traffic, without a signal; merging onto the freeway without looking to see if there's an opening for them; changing lanes into me on the freeway without looking or signaling and then getting angry when I tap my horn; angrily going around me in heavy rush-hour traffic only to get half a car-length up, then having to slam on their brakes because their new lane is completely blocked by gridlock. Meanwhile, I zoom right on by.
That Altimas are usually driven by fools can't be coincidental. Nissan must be giving credit to just about anybody.
35. People who don't put the divider after their groceries. It never fails. I'm in line at the grocery store and the guy in front of me has just put all his groceries on the conveyor belt and can't be bothered to put the divider after them. It's too much effort, or it's because most humans are only peripherally aware of other people. I've perfected an audible sigh loud enough to be heard over the din of a noisy grocery store. I drop the divider noisily from six inches up to further emphasize how much I despise them.
Here's another good one. At the busiest time, five o'clock at the grocery store, and the lines are long, even at the self-scan area. Everyone has a cart full of stuff, except for the one unwashed construction worker who thought it was worthwhile to stand in a 20-minute line clutching a solitary, promotional-sized bottle of Bud Light. You know the type -- they can tell you the affects of a torn rotator cuff on a pitching arm, but can't do simple math.
For reasons unknown, he won't set his vice on the belt, he keeps it in his hand. The rest of us -- the cleanshaven, educated types -- behind him are busily emptying the contents of our carts onto the belt. Because Laborer George (or Jorge as often as not) isn't clever enough to see the value of the belt and the dividers, my groceries roll right to the front when it's his turn to pay. The cashier starts scanning my items. I wave her off and she looks at me in confusion, then at the Unwashed.
"Ah, this is all mine," I say. "I think he has...just that." The Unwashed says, "Duh. Uh. Hmmph." Cashier dutifully grabs the beer bottle from the guy and they conduct business. When the cashier asks if he has a saver card, a puzzled look crosses the man's face. The cashier will exchange glances with me, and without words we have a conversation, Yep, he's one of those.
My last gripe about trips to the grocery... I usually use the self-scan lanes because they're faster and I don't have to interact with a unionized dolt who pretends to want to know how my day has been going. "Well, fine, ma'am, until I had to talk to a cashier who makes $26 per hour and gets fantastic benefits on top of that. Is that why food costs are so fucking high? How are you doing?"
The concept of the self-scan thing is good, and sometimes the machines work well. Usually there's a problem, though, and I think I can guess what it is. You press the "Begin" button and, 35 seconds later, it says "Welcome to Asshole Grocery Store" on the screen. You scan your first item and, 10 seconds later, there's a beep. When you're done, you press "Done" -- at least they got that right. Thirty seconds later the machine is ready to accept money. DO THESE MOTHERFUCKING MACHINES USE 386 CHIPS WITH 256K OF RAM OR WHAT? WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS DERELICT (OR CHEAP) ENGINEERING? Sometimes I just want to take out The Award Winner and piss on the damned machines because they're so frustratingly lethargic. Seriously, what is inside the self-scan machines, an abacus and a sand timer?
36. Too many Christmas lights. I love a modest display, for sure, but every time I see a house that's ablaze with thousands of lights I think of the Dreyfus character in Close Encounters, making models of Devil's Tower out of mashed potatoes. The same type of person festoons their home with the garish Christmas displays. Did Jesus light up his hut like that? Maybe that's how the Romans found him. "Centurion, it's the one lighting up the night sky. I'll get the cross."
37. Europeans and their pride in small, powerless cars. Post-WWII Old Europe has become a socialist cesspool, where anything pertaining to the industrial revolution, such as car ownership, is a bad thing. I've spoken to more than one European, even a couple of Brits, who said the large cars with large engines in America are ridiculous and irresponsible. Here's what's happening: their governments have coerced and social engineered them to take buses and trains, an uncomfortable, inconvenient, inferior mode of transport -- and they don't even know they've been conditioned. Not only have the leftists brainwashed the Old Europeans, they've taught them to take pride in their own enslavement.
Tacitus said of the British, "A liking sprang up for our style of dress, and the toga became fashionable. Step by step they were led to things which dispose to vice, the lounge, the bath, the elegant banquet. All this in their ignorance they called civilization, when it was but a part of their servitude."
The toga, bath and banquet have been replaced by trains and exorbitant taxation. Being coerced by government away from cars luxurient and powerful, and into silly little cars, is part of European servitude. Those are the lucky ones; the majority of Europeans can't afford a license, or a car, or even the grossly taxed fuel. This unlucky majority is stuck waiting for a train, then packing in like cattle for a slow journey.
38. Rain. To be more specific, I don't like rain in Southern California. Don't the Weather Gods know we moved here to get away from bad weather? Here's the part of rain I like least: every time we get even a few drops, some imbecile in line at the ATM looks at the sky and says, "Well, we needed it." Really?? A region that averages less than a foot of rain per year needed that half inch, dumbkopf?
The southwestern United States is a GIGANTIC FUCKING DESERT, SO NOBODY NEEDS TO SAY, 'WE NEEDED IT'. Saying it aloud is like eating a meal and saying, "I needed it." No shit. Every desert on earth needs rain, ofuckingkay?
What's more, we'll never get enough rain. That's a hallmark of any desert, and it's the reason the area is a desert. People who say, "We needed it," need to be backhanded.
39. Unboxing videos. YouTube is more than entertainment. It has become, for me, a way to test-drive products before I make a purchase decision. I watch a lot of videos about tech devices because, like you, I hungrily consume such things. Why, somebody tell me, do I want to watch a video of a pimply-faced teenager "unboxing" a tech device? I'm not interested in what it looks like to take a device out of the friggin box.
"Wow, honey, come here and look at this box. This high-school kid with a cracked voice is taking something out of the box! Look, it's a phone! It's a phone!"
Start the video when it's ready to be powered up. You morons can unbox my ass.
To be continued...