Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Forced extinctions to make Earth better

"What else would living be if lions and bears held sway, if serpents and all the creatures that are most destructive were given supremacy over us? These, devoid of reason and doomed to death by us on the plea of their ferocity."

--Seneca, 3 B.C. - A.D. 65, Roman philosopher, dramatist, and statesman

Wouldn't it be nice to go out into nature, camping or kayaking or hiking, and not have to worry about being stung, poisoned, or eaten alive? Well, maybe it's not too good to be true. Here's my list of animals, actually non-human things, that should be made extinct.

Bees, wasps, and any other insect that stings or bites. I can't tell you how many times a yellowish, buzzing whore has stung me. Enough!

Spiders should be wiped off the face of the earth. Arabs should be calling for this much louder than the eradication of Israel. From those huge suckers in Australia to the tiny, man-killers in South America, each and every eight-legged killer should be put to death.

Roses and any other vegetation with thorns that tear human skin to shreds. Also, all poisonous plants should be forced onto the endangered lists and eventually eradicated altogether.

All reptiles. It may be amusing to watch them slither around in a cage, but their existence is completely unnecessary. Do Floridians really like watering the grass in the back yard, and getting eaten by an alligator? No, didn't think so.

Sharks. Period. Any creature that comes out of nowhere, unseen, and eats humans while swimming or surfing should be completely eradicated.

Polar bears. This is a toughy for me because I really like predators, especially mammalian. But polar bears are the only animals that include humans on its menu. They stalk, hunt, and eat us. This contrasts with sharks, which occasionally eat humans, but it's usually a mistake.

Crows, Canadian Geese, and most other birds. Bird watchers and hard-core "birders" can find another wimpy hobby, like making decorative crap to sell at flea markets. Flying rats make too much noise, poop everywhere, and therefore should be snuffed.

Porcupines and any other animal with stabbing, hurtful quills. It's pretty obvious that these little bastards must perish.

Octopi, because they look sinister. Marine biologists and aquarium hounds tout the intelligence and gentleness of these beasts of the deep, but just sit down and take a long look at one of these slimey devils. Bye-bye.

All species of jellyfish. WTF?

Hippos. One website had this to say:


    In cartoons, hippos are invariably brightly colored, cheerful, and fun. In reality, hippos are mean and aggressive, killing more people in Africa than any other animal. They are the third-largest land animal in the world, behind the elephant and the rhinoceros, weighing up to 9,000 pounds. Even pygmy hippos weigh 350 to 600 pounds. Hippos spend most of their days in rivers and lakes, where they feed on aquatic plants. At night they feed on land.

    Highly territorial, hippos have been known to capsize a boat and bite off the head of the hapless sailor. This is easy since their tusks can reach 28 inches long and their mouths can open four feet wide. It is also extremely unwise to get between a hippo and her young, either in the water or on land, where they can run up to up 20 miles per hour.

That condemns all of them. Rhinos can go, too. Good riddance to these big, unmanageable bastards.

Stingrays, because they're vicious creatures who haven't earned the right to exist. In 2006 Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, was murdered by a stingray. Then an 81-year-old man in Florida was seriously injured after a stingray jumped into his boat and stabbed him. It's curtains for these barbaric creatures.

Monkeys. More specifically, chimps. These creatures are supposed to be extremely smart. Smarter than, say, a cat or dog. So why do they have to wear diapers? One of the smartest animals in the world can't be trained to crap outside or in a litter box? Cats and dogs don't foul up a house with uncontrollable crapping. The whole chimps-are-smart thing is a con. Any stupid creature masquerading as smart can die.

4 comments:

bigfanx said...

YOU'RE such a HAPPY FELLOW, aren't you?

The Shaved Ape said...

If you came to The Shaved Ape to be amused by circus clowns, you erred. There were no smiley faces, puppies, or idiot children depicted prominently on the blog when you arrived, correct?

Happy people, in my experience, are dullards. They don't think for themselves. Happy people like movies with lots of explosions. Happy people think a backrub is just as good as an hour and a half of raw, animal sex. Happy people excuse bad behavior in others. Happy people bathe too much. Happy people light candles and sing. Happy people fold their socks. Happy people recycle.

I don't like happy people. They have nothing to offer the world except looney, maple syrup answers to questions nobody is asking.

Thanks for dropping by.

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping this entry is largely satirical.