Here are a few gems I've found. They come from Reddit posts and comments, plus YT comments, news media comments, etc. I'm not giving credit, except in a few instances, because it's too much work and, well, dis be da web.
If our ass was split horizontally, it would clap when we run down the stairs.
"What the hell are we drug testing a janitor for? What's the worst he gonna do? Drop the mop? If you're thirty-nine years old and a janitor you should get to smoke a joint." -- D.L. Hughley
"I'll be speaking with my lawyer" is the adult version of "I'm telling mom".
Teach a man with Alzheimer's to fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Bras are actual booby traps.
American football is like a turn-based strategy game while soccer is like a real-time strategy game.
Tortillas are the rolling papers of food.
Chimpanzees must think we're aliens. We have vastly superior technology, and sometimes we abduct them for medical experiments.
I wonder if our sun is part of some other planet's constellation. Yeah, the Dumbass Idiotus Majoris -- me
What's as bad as people say it is? Stepping on Legos. And depression.