Ask The Shaved Ape No. 1

I occasionally get highly intelligent questions from ape-like readers. Instead of answering these insightful questions in the comment section, I'll put them up here for your pleasure. (Don't mention it).

Q: Is The Shakespeare Code the same as Morse Code? --Charlie Adams

A: Chuck is referring to this post about The Da Vinci Code and author Dan Brown. No, but that's a very good guess, Chuck. The Shakespeare Code is closely related to The Crotch Code, where a contentious theory holds that Mary was really Jesus' wife, and via the French Merovingian line, Jesus' ancestors have been carefully hidden in the sweaty pubes of some plumber's crotch. They're probably looking to get out of there about now. --Don

A superior insult

Ablution has issued a scathing attack on Christina Patterson of the Independent. I lifted this from a recent post:

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Ms. Patterson is the classic incarnation of the unthinking, closed-minded white wine liberal - who, while concealing her lazy, stereotyped thinking and refusal to consider unapproved viewpoints with the veneer of a decent education, oh-so-cleverness, semi-respectable vocabulary and fashionable sneering at you-know-where and you-know-who, manages in the end only to embarrass herself with the laughable inaccuracy of her confidently-stated "facts".

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Cartoon row: Muslims groups to sue Danish newspaper

Overlawyered reports that 27 Muslim groups plan to sue the Danish newspaper that published cartoons of the Prophet (PBUH), and plan to report the paper to the UN Human Rights Council.

Castro and Qadaffi to the rescue!

UN of religions

An Abraham Lincoln look-alike has cooked up a fascinating scheme for a UN of religions (BBC story here). The problem is this: Islam will become China and Russia, the "church" of Scientology Germany, and Christianity the USA and Britain.

An ineffective and downright crooked United Nations deserves demolition, not emulation.

Three years without Saddam Hussein: fantastic

The three-year anniversary of kicking Saddam's pathetic ass is marked by hippies smoking doobies in parks across the globe. They sang sad songs with acoustic guitars. "Not in my name" was the most popular.

News flash! Nobody cares what hippies think about war, peace, or anything else. Just keep on tokin' and smokin', dumbasses.

French students riot to remain uncompetitive

A new jobs law allowing employers to fire workers for no reason within two years of hiring has set off riots across France. According to CNN, at least 500,000 students in Paris set fire to cars, damaged buildings, and fought with police.

Keep it up, kids! Fight to keep your ailing economy uncompetitive. We on this side of the pond like to see this kind of thing.

AP story here.

The Shakespeare Code

The L.A. Times, in an editorial today, appears to be standing behind Dan Brown, author of bestseller "The Da Vinci Code." Brown is in a London court, accused of copyright infringement (ideas, not direct text), by the authors of "Holy Blood, Holy Grail". The latter, published in the early 1980s, contains matter very similar to "The Da Vinci Code".

The Times: "Held to this standard, William Shakespeare, who took the plots for most of his plays from popular histories or even other fiction writers, would be condemned as a plagiarist."

Torture at Guantanamo revealed

The Daily Ablution has catalogued a detainee's list of maltreatment at GITMO:

--subject to [unspecified] "mental stress and pressure"

--"willfully misdirected ... to pray north"

--deprived of "comfort items"

--subjected to an [apparently failed] "attempt to withdraw Qur'an"

--able to hear two guards having sex, while they "assumed he was asleep"

--distracted from his prayer by the "sharp intake of breath" of a female MP who'd been "sexually fondled".

--offered a plate of pork

--the object of a conspiracy "to keep detainee ignorant of detainee's allotted Tuesday recreation"

--subjected to a "partially successful" attempt to administer injections "under the guise of immunisation", designed to "unhinge detainee's mental and emotional stability"

--had his peanut butter eaten by a guard "right in front of him"

The horror!

Morbid Creature of the Left

Senator Russell Feingold, D-Wis, wants to censure the president.
The move to censure Bush for domestic wiretaps is getting the cold shoulder from Republicans and Democrats. (Forbes story here.)

Isaac Hayes: stupid idiot

Hayes quits South Park because of perceived religious bigotry.

"In 10 years and over 150 episodes of South Park, Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslim, Mormons or Jews." (From BBC)


Hayes, who belongs to the "church" of Scientology, didn't consider bashing other religions to be bigoted behavior. Only his church. This is eerily similar to the frothing-at-the-mouth Muslim freaks who lost control of themselves over the Muhammed cartoons. Anti-semitic cartoons were fine with them, but you publish Muhammed, it's curtains.

A bunch of morons.

Gotta love Blogger's word verification

This was a pleasant surprise:

Ancient Israeli tunnels uncovered

Tunnels used 2000 years ago have been discovered in northern Israel. One of the tunnels contained a petrified loaf of bread with the letters "U" and "K" carved into it.

Fuck winter

For all the poor bastards living in cold climates:

Blissful forgetfulness

A Reuters headline reads, "Marijuana again tied to memory problems."

I had something to say about this, but I can't remember right now.

Turning water into beer

From AP; bolding mine:

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OSLO, Norway - It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.

Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.

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Ads are fucking the internet

Every time I wait FOREVER for a goddamned page to load, Firefox tells me "Transferring data from abc.ads.xyz" or abc.adserv.xyz. It's always these bullshit advertising servers.

The only way to speed up this antique internet is to stop clicking on ads. Stop, Shaved Apes. No more clicking on ads. If you want to buy something on the web, proactively search out a site. Do not click on these motherfucking ads.

Since most of you stupid shitheads still click on spam, I'm probably wishing for a miracle.

History channel off air as JFK begins

Ollie Stone's "JFK" is starting on The History Channel at this moment. "No signal" is all I'm getting on my screen.

A second History Channel technician may have been spotted in the knoll of tangled wires...

I'm getting my bolt action Manlicher Carcano from the closet...

Stand by...

Pathetic, laughable Nigeria

This is freaking absurd. I'm so embarassed for these Nigerian morons. Not one of them owns a $50 telescope? No, I suppose not.

From Reuters; bolding mine:

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ABUJA (Reuters) - The Nigerian government, anxious to avoid a repeat of riots that marked a solar eclipse in 2001, warned citizens they may suffer "psychological discomfort" during a new eclipse this month but urged them not to panic.

Information Minister Frank Nweke said an eclipse five years ago caused riots in northern Borno state because people did not know why it happened.

"Some people even felt some evil people in their communities were responsible for the eclipse," he said in a statement on Thursday aimed at reassuring Nigerians that the eclipse is expected to darken parts of the country on March 29.

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Crash wins Best Picture

"Crash" took top honors at this year's Oscars. That's just great. I watched the first ten minutes of this horrible film in the theater and walked out. I was so displeased I didn't even ask for my money back, which I usually do when I'm forced to walk out.

At least Bareback Mounting didn't get it. It's a film that appeals to approxiately 4% of the population, and yet won nearly every award possible leading up to the Oscars. Hmmmmm. Can you say, "Liberal Hollywood agenda?"

Come here, Hillary!