Last night I walked into a gas station and purchased a bottle of water (more expensive than gasoline) and a bag of corn nuts (salt in a crunchy form factor). The cashier greeted me warmly, with mild recognition -- I had been in there many times before, but had rarely spoken to the guy. A Time Magazine was sitting on the counter, with a picture of Obama on the cover.
The prez seems to be Time's Person of the Year, or something like that. I said, "A Marxist is Person of the Year," and shook my head disdainfully.
The cashier shook his head and said, "He's not Marxist."
I laughed at him, as I do with all idiots who are smaller than me. "Yes, he is."
"No, he's not," the cashier and apparent political activist said. "He may be a little socialist, but he's not Marxist."
"Yes, he is," I repeated. What else could I say? I honed my debating skills on the Internet, where ad hominem attacks are much more fun than facts. Here's how it works: rather than debate somebody face to face, I laugh and shake my head and say nothing. Then I make fun of them later on my blog. I think that is the true spirit of the Internet.
The cashier held up his phone and started swiping and pinching. "I can prove he's not Marxist. Look."
I held up my own phone and said, "And I can prove he is."
But I had no desire to prove anything. I put my phone down and walked out, relieved I had paid for the platinum-priced water and crunchy salt before commenting on the magazine. I was ten paces from the door, headed to my car, when the cashier said, nearly shouting, "He's a savior!"
Happy New Year from The Shaved Ape