How old is Sy Rosen?

Mr. Rosen has written an excellent article on getting old. I laughed out loud, but I wondered if he was serious:

Are they saying that age is an obstacle we have to overcome, and therefore it's newsworthy if we're able to do anything? But being old is not an obstacle. I can do anything I was able to do when I was younger (except maybe find my car in the parking lot).

Sy knows this isn't true. Did he never have sex for four hours? Never lifted weights or jogged? Never skipped a night's sleep and still managed to perform well the next day? Never played hockey or football.

Lately I've noticed a lot of news stories that seem to focus on someone's age, and I'm not sure I like it: A 90-year-old woman votes, a couple with a combined age of 181 get married, two men in their 80s get in a fistfight on a tennis court, a 92-year-old goes to the World Series and a 101-year-old man buys a new Camaro (I wonder if he got the extended warranty).

Mr. Rosen is a good writer, and he's funny. Still, he's in denial if he doesn't know why stories like the ones he cited are of interest. I know a lot of people (both of my loyal readers) will be unhappy that I'm about to state some general facts about old people. So be it. Truth is a gigantic cocksucker.

1. People over 60 will be dead soon.

2. People over 55 should not drive unless they prove a basic level of competence -- DMV tests are inadequate, and everyone knows it.

3. People over 70 fall down dead all the time.

4. An average life expectancy of 80 doesn't mean we're fit, mentally or physically, until that age. Usually we're all but useless long before.

I am always amused by media stories that say, "Tom Smith, age 94, gets a college degree." These stories are always filled with "you're never too old" and suchlike. Sometimes we are too old. What's a 94-year-old going to do with a college degree? Enter the job market and compete against 23-year-olds? Perhaps it was done for the sense of accomplishment. Would it not have been better to accomplish another round of bingo, or sip tea while watching the sun set over the Pacific Ocean? Gimme a break.

These stories remind me of what we tell small children: "You can do anything." This is a bald-faced lie, and can be harmful. No kid can honestly say he can be president, or an astronaut. Reality says, "You can do a lot, but you'll waste a lot of precious time if you try to reach too far."

I believe the real point of these stories is to make folks who are under a certain age feel better. "We won't necessarily be completely useless when we're too old." But we will almost certainly be completely useless after a certain age, and that age will come WAY, WAY, WAY before these old folks who are getting degrees and buying Camaros.

I'm not going to like getting old. Hell, I don't like getting older, but I won't deny reality. When bingo night is the highlight of my week, and I'm a menace on the highway, and teeth are a memory, I won't be enrolling in any dumbass college.

The best thing an old person could tell a young person is this: Don't wait. If there's something you want to do, get going, because you're running out of time.