Obama's Tuesday speech

We at The Shaved Ape worked all our confidential sources in Washington strip clubs and came up with the text of Obama's speech for Tuesday night:

I am speaking with you this evening to announce ah my early retirement from ah public office. [Keep looking at the teleprompter] On the campaign trail, and ah even during the early days of my ah presidency, I thought being a community organizer on Chicago's South Side would ah be adequate preparation to lead the ah United States. [Ignore the evil white people in the audience] I was ah wrong. I ah want to apologize for outspending ah every president who has ah gone before me, bringing the country close to ah collapse. [Keep your eyes on the teleprompter] Ah, as it turns out, spending wildly with ah money we don't have is bad policy. Ah. For everyone who voted for me, I would ah suggest you move to Spain or France to experience the joys of ah socialism.

I am now ah returning to my Kenyan homeland and will ah write a book about my presidency, to be called Apologies, Usurping States' Rights, and Overspending: How to Break a Great Nation